walker @walker@icosahedron.website

I started writing an update on my life for you guys for the past four months of absence but it keeps getting longer and longer. Some of it is interesting I think? IDK how many of you actually care about me but a few have been nice in the past. It’ll be behind CW but I don’t know when I’ll post.

Oops, I forgot about Mastodon again.

Just realized that “retention pond” is sort of a synonym for “memory hole”.

Trying to figure out the minimum number of electronic components to buy that will result in the maximum number of completable projects... I told myself I wouldn’t restock components until I got a job, but ... it’s been four months now.

I just realized that I have a benzodiazepine addiction.

My anxiety isn’t getting worse. It’s actually getting better, therefore I’m taking drugs too often. This explains some of the “new” symptoms. So ... what now?
https://icosahedron.website/media/0cNSavdDhQTRaB6hELI

Thinking about telling my parents I’m buddhist because if I told them I’m atheist they might murder me.

Not this year though.

I’m ashamed to talk about this because I’m like ... NT with one or two occasional, intermittent spectrum symptoms. Like who am I to complain, or even start a discussion? Not the right person.

But I also feel like if I don’t describe my experience out loud somewhere it might not actually exist.

Slowly I keep realizing that I have attributes that anxiety doesn’t explain, that depression doesn’t explain. And family time is the time when all my tools for controlling any discomfort those attributes cause are taken away, requiring me to examine them more closely.

But this happens almost never except around family. But it’s not like my family is 100% extroverts, so there’s stuff that I used to think “I’m this way because I’m an introvert” and now I have to think I’m this way because of something else.

Like I guess I have anxiety-related overstimulation symptoms. But in everyday life if I feel them I can just leave. At family time I have to deal with them some other way. Two different people noticed and asked me why I was stimming (without using that word). If I step back and think about it this looks less like anxiety and more like something else.

Despite thinking of myself as almost certainly NT, nothing makes me feel less NT than being around family at the holidays.

Sometimes I tweet a tweetstorm and then don’t realize until later it would have been way more appropriate for mastodon. Like I wouldn’t have had to use coded language etc. since you guys are so much more likely to be understanding. But I feel silly for duplicating it here.

What I really wanted to say is ... "No. My brothers, my sisters, and I, we have been walking along the edge of this abyss for decades, and we have survived. We have become the strongest-willed, most resilient people because of it, and you will not understand this until you learn to place understanding other peoples feelings at a higher priority than satisfying your own need to feel important."

So I think I actually let her off easy. But ... softblock.

I think I got softblocked by a "friend" on birdsite for the first time today.

She had said something like "I wish I could take on everyone's depression for them." and I replied something along the lines of "No. I wouldn't be who I am today without it."

Not sure what I should have said instead, but it was one of those times where it was hard for me to say nothing.

I just watched Your Name and it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and now I’m ruined.

I *really* like Daisy Ridley’s dress. Is that OK?

https://instagram.com/p/BcrXCmrFoZE/

Is going to the movies alone cool? I used to do this a bunch but I haven’t in a while. Is it “wow this one likes movies a lot” or “wow this one has no friends”. Today it’s both so whatever.

@myrrlyn hello from birdsite, we’re not mutuals there but I’m glad to find you here. :)

I just realized I haven't worked in six days. I guess that explains why I've had the free time to experience multiple existential crises.